


It's Not Like {Everyone Else's World Stopped}

by maybetomorrow



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/M, Guilt, Guilt from the s2 finale is addressed, Homosocial Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Multiple Pov, Multiple friendships - Freeform, Shock, Tags will be updated each chapter, happy ending I promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-12-30 14:04:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12110337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maybetomorrow/pseuds/maybetomorrow
Summary: It's not like everyone else's world stopped.  Except... it did.{Mon-El leaves a wreckage in his departure, and no one goes unaffected.}





	1. World Stop...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You can measure the mark of a man on the day that he dies in the mixture of memory and wreckage that he leaves behind." - Frank Turner
> 
> \--
> 
> Kara's POV

**It’s not like everybody else’s world stopped.**

She said it, and her heart shattered.She’d only said it to make Alex feel better, so her sister — and everyone else she loved — could take a step back and quit worrying about her.She was fine.She was fine.She’d be okay.She would.Maybe.

But then she said it, and in a tsunami crashing over her head, the gravity of it all swept her off her feet.She could hardly even gather the strength the fly.But she did.She’d be fine.She’d be fine.

**It’s not like everyone else’s world stopped.**

And neither had hers right?He was just one little piece in the puzzle.And they were still new — so new.They had the world ahead of them, but still.It wasn’t like he was her whole world or anything.He was just one little Daxamite.Just one boy.She’d had feelings for other guys before.Guys that moved.Guys that moved on.And she’d gotten over it before.Never mind that she’d never been in love with any of them.

**It’s not like everyone else’s world stopped.**  

She still had everyone she cared about before.She still had her job and her city.She was still Supergirl.She was still a hero.What was it she had said again?Maybe being Supergirl was enough.Of course, it was enough.

_Having him_ , a traitorous echo hummed from the back of her mind. _Maybe being Supergirl and having you is enough_.She could hear it clear as day.She had meant it like a promise, to remind him that he would be enough for her.And what had she done next?She’d ended it, without a spare thought for what he was going through.And she’d sent him away with his people, for what?A lie? 

And this time… she had promised again.The kind of promise you don’t take lightly.She had said she loved him and then what?She just sent him off into space, to never see him again?They weren’t supposed to lose each other anymore.It was the last thing she wanted.She’d gone out of her way to try and prevent it and then she failed.She failed him.

Her head was spinning, and through the swarm she heard something steady and familiar, something that made her catch her breath.The steady double thump, calm and tentative as always, unless in was caught in the middle of a fight. _Mon-El?_ She blinked furiously, trying to pick up the sound.Trying to piece together if it was real.If he was real and he was here.If she hadn’t lost him.But… she had.She lost him.With no foreseeable hope of getting him back.And once more, it was like the entire world had come crumbling at her feet and no matter what she did, she couldn’t come up with a way to piece it back together.

She muttered aloud to herself this time. 

“It’s not like everyone else’s world stopped.” _So neither should yours._

Something in her stomach dropped at the sound of his voice, swarming her senses, and suddenly she felt the need for some kind of thrill.Something strong and overwhelming and heart-shatteringly normal.She wanted to fall.To make his heartbeat stop ringing in her ears.To drown it out with her own erratic rhythm.She flew up as high as she could manage.Halfway up, she felt a cold stinging as pockets of air hit the damp skin trailing across her cheeks and temple and into her hairline.She swiped away at the skin and tried to imagine it was something other than what it really was. 

She was strong.She didn’t need to cry over something like this.She needed to hit something.But first, she needed to plummet back to the Earth.With all the grace she could afford, Kara raised her arms at her side and spun, taking a nose dive through a cloud.She counted the seconds it took to make it back down.

One… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine… TEN—

At the last second, she pulled away from the ground, swooping through the city and setting off cars as she sped by.She pulled up, seeking comfort in the way the wind passed between her fingers and over her cape.Like it was wrapping itself around her.Like the world could swallow her whole and she’d still be so free.

Her heart was racing, and she let it drown everything out.

But still, the beating… she knew she was imagining it, but she still felt it — still gravitated toward it.She turned in the direction of the sound, still tuning it out, letting it becoming background noise to her thoughts, her breaths, the howling of the wind in her ear, and the rushing of blood pumping through her veins. 

She kept going until she lost sight of all civilization.Until the mountains rose up to meet her and fell back away.Until she’d made her way into the desert and she could trace her fingers in the sand, just barely within her reach.She followed the line of the ground steadily, watching everything around her blur. 

At first, she convinced herself it was just because her attention was elsewhere, her eyes lazily picking up on the ground speeding by beneath her.But then, her vision shook and she realized… it was her eyes quickly filling with tears that had yet to break and fall.

“Stop.Crying.”She said, gritting her teeth tightly, letting all the tension in her body collect at her jaw, until her jaw felt like it would fall away if she let her mouth loose.Until her whole body shook. 

_It’s not like everyone else’s world stopped — But yours did._

It was like a punch to the gut and she couldn’t breathe.She took a sharp breath, the tears now spilling, blocking everything in her field of vision to the point where she could no longer see where she was going.Her jaw still clenched, as she tried to slow herself down. 

She crashed into the Earth and tumbled the extra couple of feet, falling into the sand and rolling a few times, her hands flying to her face to protect on instinct alone. 

When she stopped, she pulled herself up a little, balancing on her knees, her hands still protecting her face.She looked up.In front of her, the vast nothingness of the desert passed until it reached the horizon, and the sky above it was pitch black.Above her were thousands of stars, all twinkling brightly for her, reminding her of where she had been and how far she had come to end up here, on this planet.

And within a moment, that beautiful sight, something she cherished was tarnished by the thought, that he was up there, on the other side of the atmosphere, moving further and further from her.And there was no way for her to beg him to come back.There was no way to keep him safe.There was no way she could still have him.And nothing — none of it would ever be enough.

She was trembling and her jaw was locked, and she could feel herself crumbling.Because she’d done this to herself.She had let Lena and Winn develop the weapon.She had challenged — and trusted —Rhea.She had pushed the button.And most of all, she had been the one to set him in the pod and make herself say goodbye.Because it was better knowing he could live than watching him die in her arms.But she’d sent him away and he took her world with him and she.just —

Her scream ripped through her with the force of an earthquake.The kind the tore cities apart, leaving everyone homeless and helpless in their wake.Except, she was her own force of nature, tearing herself apart. 

The sheer cataclysm within her drew her upright as her voice rang out into the sky above her head until she began to slump back down again.Within moments, all the pain she felt was scraping against her throat, leaving her helpless as she exorcised ever bit of it she could.She couldn’t contain it if she tried.There was no healthy way to get it all out.So instead, she sobbed as her voice sounded out all around her, making the ground tremor beneath her.Until she had nothing left in her.

She collapsed back onto the ground, fistfuls of sand in her hands, slipping out of reach, like trying to bottle hope… or trying to replicate the sound of his voice.None of it would stay.She knelt in the same sand as her grief overtook her.She tried to keep her voice from betraying her again.She tried to stop her hands from shaking.She waited until her tears were fully exhausted before she even let herself think of standing.And, until then, she fought each tear like she had something left to protect. Something left of her worth fighting for.

 

Her apartment window was wide open, and she could see the dust floating in the air around it.And it was cold.So cold.Usually, Mon-El closed the window if she forgot.Or even if she hadn’t left it open, the whole room would be warm with the collateral heat from the dryer or the oven, depending on what Mon-El chose to busy himself with. 

But now, he _wasn’t there_.So this place was just… cold.She felt stuck in place, willing herself to ignore it.Willing herself not to remember.She didn’t even know how she put up with the cold before him.Had it ever been this bad?

She shook the thoughts away, because she didn’t _want_ to know.She slammed the window shut, the glass shaking in its frame as it met its other half.She walked slowly over to the thermostat and raised the temperature a few degrees.Just enough to set the heater in motion and make the air in her apartment feel less… dead.It felt like dead air.And she felt so tired.

She walked over to the bathroom, pulling her suit off as she went.The fabric stuck to her like a second skin, and she was peeling a layer of herself off, tossing it aside on the floor outside her bedroom.She exchanged the wrapping for warm water, willing herself to let the sweat, sand, silicate, and emotion all wash away together. 

She didn’t know how long she was in there.It had to have been long, because she had to readjust the temperature at least three times because it was growing cold again.And she scrubbed.She scrubbed her shoulders and her arms until her skin was red and angry.She scratched at her ears and scalp and jaw, with and without soap and shampoo, over and over and over.She just wanted to be clean.Just clean.She wanted.It wouldn’t be enough.Never clean enough.She felt ill and dizzy.It wasn’t enough.Her breaths grew unsteady, and she found herself having to think about breathing.It wasn’t working.She was still gasping.She grew more focused in her scrubbing, trying to time her breaths with the motions, but she just got dizzier.It was too fast.Everything was moving too fast and she was just standing still like everything — every part of her had just — stopped.

She found herself clawing at her collarbone.And it made her stop for a moment, everything going quiet.She could feel the welts against her skin, sets of three and four, horizontal and vertical, red and puffed up, her body fighting against her.She steadied her breathing and it all came naturally again.Like nothing had happened.She decided to start over.Fresh start.Fresh shower. 

She turned to face the streams and twisted the dial further to get more warm water.It stung for a moment against the welts.She reached for the shampoo and turned it up in her hand to try and wash her hair like normal.Normal was good.

But the bottle was empty.Figures.She reached for the bottle next to it, one she didn’t recognize, and poured a small portion of it into her hand.She massaged it in and rinsed it out.And as the soap suds followed the beads of water on her back, weaving around like veins down her legs — that was when she smelled it.The indescribably comforting scent she’d grown so accustomed to.It was his shampoo.

She could feel the water growing cold again, but she was stuck still under the stream.The suds passed away, and she slipped down, barely balancing herself as her legs gave out from underneath her and she sat in the tub of her shower.

It wasn’t until the water felt like ice against her back that she regained the will to move, let alone get out and dry herself off.She wrapped herself in a towel and opened her top left dresser drawer, where she kept her pajamas.Sitting neatly on the right side of the drawer was a pair of pajama pants and a plain white shirt — his spare set that he’d snuck into the space without her ever noticing.She shut her eyes tightly and tried not to picture him placing it there as he put the laundry away.She pulled out a comfortable matching flannel set, a pastel blue, and pulled it on. She plugged in her blowdryer and set to work ridding her hair of all dampness. 

It was only seven, and the sun was barely setting, but she felt like she couldn’t stand or even sit up a moment longer.Not if she didn’t have to.She moved to her bed, but the sight of it made the air catch deep within her chest.She couldn’t go to bed.Not when all she could think of was the way he had held her only yesterday.How it had seemed like everything would be okay.They were a normal couple with normal problems, not carrying the fate of a world or two on their shoulders.She wasn’t sure if she could ever feel that way again.She wasn’t sure if she could balance Kara Danvers with Supergirl and still stay afloat.She wasn’t sure it would ever make her happy and fulfilled the way it always had.Would anything ever be normal again? 

She chose to forgo the bed for the night, choosing to sit on the couch instead.She sat on _her_ side, curled up as if he was there.The Goblet of Fire sat by the blanket on his side and she grew unreasonably angry with how it sat open-faced against the couch.No bookmark to save it for later.He was only a quarter of the way in.He’d hardly gotten through a few chapters.There were so many things he hadn’t read.So many chapters left unfinished.They’d never get to talk about it.Never get to share that excitement.They’d never get to watch the movies.Never —

The tears were back and she was shaking and they wouldn’t stop.They kept going.The world kept turning.But she felt so still.Frozen.She pulled the blanket around her arms and legs and sunk into herself, her back against the arm of the couch, using the hard, cushioned surface as a makeshift pillow.The real pillows, she kicked on the floor to make room for her body in the farthest corner of the furniture. 

She thought, for a moment, that she should call Alex.She reached forward to grab her phone off of the coffee table where she had left it. 

Low battery.She scrolled through the notifications on her lock screen.Missed calls.From Eliza, Winn, Alex, Maggie, James, Lena, and even J’onn.The people she cared about most checking in on her.The sentiment was nice, but it didn’t make her feel any different.She unlocked her phone and almost called Alex.Almost.She dialed the number and had her finger hovering over the call button.But she couldn’t do it.She didn’t want Alex to feel burdened, or make her drop everything to help her feel less… alone. 

She didn’t want to be alone, but she couldn’t stand the thought of making anyone else carry that for her.Despite how much she knew her friends and family loved her, she couldn’t burn them up in her disaster to make herself feel warm. 

She couldn’t bear the guilt of it.Of any of it.

Kara set her phone back on the table top, not even bothering to plug it back in.She blocked everything out and laid back in her corner of the couch, letting the tears slip out without direction or purpose until her body finally gave in and she fell asleep.

She woke up with a dead phone and a hideous case of cold sweats.She couldn’t remember the last time she felt so unwell. Kara kicked the blanket off.She must have set the heater too high.She looked at the wall-mounted control, but no.It was nearly as cold in her apartment as had been when she got home.A one degree difference.Except now she was overheating.The heater had turned off while she was sleeping.Perhaps she really _was_ sick. 

She returned to the couch, and settled back in.But the shaking was becoming too much.She went from extreme to extreme.She was _so_ warm, she knew that.But she was shaking as if she’d been frozen solid.And then in passing moments, she found herself growing incredibly and uncomfortably warm.But since she knew those moments would pass, she decided to leave the blanket on, curling in the warmth and convincing herself she was okay. 

It didn’t work well.She’d only slept two, maybe three hours, but now she was wide awake in the dark, unable to do anything except stare at the ceiling and cry.She tried not to make a sound, so she shook even harder.She could hear her blood pounding in her ear and nothing else.It was just her.Alone.That was all she could be now.She’d have to learn to enjoy it, to find something worthwhile about it — but she didn’t want to.She wanted him to come home.She wanted —

She was drawn out of her mind by a knock at the door.One knock, a hesitant period of polite patience. The rapid and desperate movements growing more hurried the longer she remained unresponsive.But she couldn’t gather up the strength to speak.

“Kara, please,” a voice cried out.“Please talk to me.Please.Let me in.”

She swallowed roughly and her voice shook as she broke the silence.“It’s unlocked.”


	2. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Still, she felt sick, seeing what Kara was doing. Isolating herself. Pushing away the people she cared about. Fighting to be alone, at a time she needed not to be the most.”
> 
> \--
> 
> Lena's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahah no one wondered who was at the door? Well, surprise. Here it is.

She was helping save the world.That was what she had to repeat to herself over and over.Her mother standing over her, still weary to trust her after what she’d done to sabotage the Medusa device.Lillian Luthor was probably right not to let her work freely.Not after Medusa.And not after the portal. 

She’d built that portal, excited for the prospects, without thinking of even the _smallest_ consequences.And yet — it had resulted in the worst possible situation.A full force invasion on Earth.And she had been instrumental in orchestrating it.She’d let herself believe that the project would change the world — _save_ the world.She fell for the first person to prey on her hopes and dreams.The first person to show her that love and passion for the same things she cared about… since Jack.A mother figure she hoped she could rely on. 

And she did it again.She had Winn by her side, someone she could trust… that she knew she could trust — someone _Kara_ trusted. But still, she let herself be convinced into building something that was going to destroy. 

Her mother had tried to set off the device before it was time, proving that Lena was right not to trust her.To build in a failsafe.Lillian Luthor was many things, but trustworthy was not one of them.The consistency of her betrayals, however?That was something she _could_ rely on.The only thing, really.

And she hadn’t felt it then, the crippling guilt… all the remorse for the damage she’d done.Not until Supergirl detonated the device herself.It was in her hands, lead leaking out, when she had pressed the button.And as the device did _exactly_ what Lena had modified it to do, she realized what she had been complicit in.Twice, she had messed with a device that was purposed for genocide — xenocide, really.And this time… it would be successful.

The guilt was… unbearable.The kind of thing that changed a person, drastically and permanently.She still wasn’t sure if it would be for better or worse.

And Supergirl… she initiated it.Lena knew it would never have happened if she hadn’t enabled Supergirl to _make_ that choice.But still, how was that weight bearing on her?Heroes made sacrifices everyday, but killing — it wasn’t what Supergirl would want.She’d proved as much by facing Rhea with honor.Heroes made sacrifices everyday to save the world.Sacrifices like —

_Mon-El_.Was the Daxamite hero even alive?She knew how much Kara cared her boyfriend… what she’d do for him.Was he safe?Or had her device killed the man Kara loved? 

If he had — there was no doubt Kara would _never_ forgive her.Had it been Jack and Kara had been the one with the kill switch, would she have forgiven Kara?She wanted to think she would.But honestly, she wasn’t sure.A love like that could tear a whole world apart.Even the truest of friendships might not survive the aftershocks.

A few hours passed before Lena prepared herself to check in with Kara.The city was calming after hours of chaos and destruction.The air was still and quiet.Dust particles — the lead, no doubt — floated in the air with a stagnancy that reeked of death.

She called.She let the phone ring until it reached the voicemail greeting. _Hey, you’ve reached Kara Danvers._ Over and over.She must have pressed redial… 7 — 8 — 9 — 10 times.

She took the elevator down and walked out of the building.Daxamite soldiers littered the streets.All around, a handful of people rushed around, averting their eyes and trying to put the last few hours behind them.Lena wished she could do the same.

The bodies were everywhere.There had to be hundreds, if not thousands around the city.Aliens without a home, following Rhea to their deaths.Had they been complicit?Had they wanted to take over the Earth?Or were they just doing as their Queen commanded?When war comes and soldiers swarm the battlefield, who bears the blame for the chaos that follows?

Kara still wasn’t answering and Lena felt sick.She rushed across the city, hurrying in her heels, her coat wrapped around her to fight off the cold, nauseating chill in the air around her, trying to convince herself she was somewhere else and the world didn’t look like this — so dismal and… hopeless.

National City needed Supergirl.And her best friend needed her.Whether she knew it or not.That was… as long as Kara could still bear the sight of her.

 

She stood in front of Kara’s door and swallowed down every doubt.She wasn’t here to beg forgiveness.Not yet.She decided as much on the walk over.All that mattered right now was making sure Kara could get through today.And then… then, once Kara was ready, Lena could try and fix things.Of course she’d need to.Even if Kara passed it off like nothing.No matter what, there would be consequences.

She raised her fist to the door and knocked.And at first, she only gave a light knock.One as weak as she felt.Tentative and terrified.What lay on the other side of that door could either be a hell storm ready to tear her apart… or maybe something more familiar.Something Lena understood all too well.The sad and quiet sickness, festering inside.The frozen blood and numbed brain.The first stage of an insidious grief —one where the line between mourner and perpetrator crossed within a single body.

She had been numb for weeks when it happened to her.Running the moment through in her mind.Blaming herself and anyone one else she could come up with.Mourning for the future and the past she wasted fighting.She needed someone then.And Kara had been the one to save her… Her hero.

She bit back every fear that dwelled within her and let her hand move with every ounce of rapidity she could muster.She hammered her fists against the door until her biceps ached and her knuckles felt raw.Finally she spoke.

“Kara, please,” she begged, her throat tense and dry.“Please talk to me.Please.Let me in.”

There was silence on the other side of the door, and for a moment, she hesitated, not entirely certain that Kara was even home.But where else could she be?She supposed she could call Alex?Maybe her sister would know —

“It’s unlocked,” came Kara’s shaking voice, echoing like a ghost through the thick metal door.The ting of her normally cheerful and melodic tone seemed to have vanished, and Lena felt her throat seizing up.Lena wasn’t sure what was worse… hearing how affected Kara was, or knowing that she’d been — at the very least partially — responsible for all of that pain.

She opened the door and stepped inside, armed with a thousand different variations for a bundle of apologies that would have spilled from her hands like an overflowing bouquet if she could only hold them.She would give them to Kara, a gift to help her grief, yet another dying thing.But the promises within the flowers, the assurance that there would be beauty… there would be hope in the end?Lena was determined she could keep those alive and she would do it if Kara asked.Fix it any way she could.Atone for all her wrongdoings and misjudgments.She’d made so many mistakes.She had much to apologize for.A thousand ways to say it…

Every last one of them died on her tongue as she took in the sight of Kara —curled in a blue blanket, tucked in a fetal position against the corner of her couch.And it wasn’t that she was sitting still and lifeless… No.Kara was shaking.And she was crying.Kara reached up to wipe some of her tears away and looked up at Lena, and Lena could feel that sickening guilt tinged with the darkest of griefs, a substitutional one — wishing she could live that pain again so her best friend would never have to.Kara deserved so much better than what she’d done.

She fought with what to say as Kara continued to stare at her, a new tear collecting in the angle of her eye, fighting gravity as the liquid pooled.The inside of Lena’s stomach knotted and she found it hard to breathe.What had she done?It was getting too warm, the air too tight in Kara’s apartment.Lena could hardly stand it.

She glanced around her, looking for somewhere to put her coat — a kitchen chair… yes that would do — and trying to come up with something to say.She noticed Kara’s phone, plugged into the outlet in the kitchen, lit up, but on silent.Alex was calling.Lena felt a hint of relief that Kara wasn’t ignoring _just_ her.Still, she felt sick, seeing what Kara was doing.Isolating herself.Pushing away the people she cared about.Fighting to be alone, at a time she needed _not_ to be the most.

“Is he —” Lena began, not ready to speak the next word.

“He’s alive.” Kara’s tone didn’t sound hopeful or reassuring.And she was still crying. 

“How?” 

“He’s gone, Lena.”Kara’s voice grew strained and she sniffled to try and minimize the sound of her voice cracking. “I sent him away.I couldn’t protect him.”

“No one can save everybody, Kara.”

“But I was supposed to.I was supposed to keep him safe.To make sure he was never alone.That he always knew he was loved and that he belonged.And then I just sent him away with no plan, no way to find him again.He’s gone.”

“You can’t expect that of yourself.It isn’t fair.You can’t save everyone, Kara.”

“But he did,” Kara sighed, resting her head back against the side of the couch.“He risked his life to save us all.”

“All of us that are left, maybe.But think of the casualties.Kara, his people are lost.He couldn’t save them.Even if they deserved saving, he couldn’t do it _and_ save National City.He made a choice.A painful one, yes.But he made one.He wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up like this.” 

Kara didn't respond.She only shuffled further into the arm of the couch, pressing a pillow against the back of the seat, and sniffing again. 

Lena walked over and reached for the tissue box on the coffee table.She handed one tissue to Kara, who held it tightly in her fist and chose not to use it.And then Lena sat down — still tentative and worried, for her well-being _and_ Kara’s.

She situated herself awkwardly in between the cushions, the lines of the seams pressing into the backs of her legs.

“How are you holding up?” Lena asked.She knew not to ask if Kara was okay — and Kara hadn’t phrased it any other way when she asked.Kara certainly wasn’t okay, and wouldn’t be for a while.This mess… it was somewhere between the heartbreak of a breakup and the loss of death, teetering between two polar heartbreaks.It had to be overwhelming.No, Lena didn’t want Kara to lie and pretend she was okay, when she was far from it.She just wanted to know how Kara was holding together.She wanted to know what she needed.

“I don’t want to feel it anymore,” she mumbled, but Lena heard her well enough.“It hurts like hell and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

“It’s okay to feel it,” Lena whispered, spotting closer to Kara’s side and placing a soft hand against her back.Karabreathed into the touch and didn’t slink away, and Lena took that as a good sign.“Good, even.To let it out and let it all go.But the numbness, it will sneak up on you.Pull you under.Just… please don’t get lost in it.Don’t let yourself drown.I will be here and your family will be here.And every single one of your friends will be right by your side.”

“How did you do it?How did you survive this?”Kara sounded so scared.Lena knew that she’d lost so much already.Kara had spared her the details — more, certainly, than Kara probably thought she was aware of.But she knew about her birth parents and her home, that she’d lost them all.But she was a child then, not fully able to grasp the weight of loss.And this was a different kind of grief.Because Mon-El wasn’t dead… he was just gone.

Lena brushed her hand against Kara’s back, and Kara sat up to look at her, waiting for an answer… advice she could used from one of the women she trusted most.

“The pain will fade, and when it does, you might grow numb.Cold and distant.When you start feeling things again, you’ll need everyone you love around you.Just promise you won’t shrink back into yourself, Kara.”

“I — I promise,” Kara choked out, a sob ripping from her throat.She let the blanket fall around her waist and leaned into Lena.Lena spread her arms and brushed Kara’s hair back with a gentle “shhh”.With Kara resting against her shoulder, Lena became aware of exactly how much Kara had been crying.The dampness of her tears soaked through her blouse in seconds, but she didn’t mind it.Lena placed her head on top of Kara’s and stroked her head and shoulders the way her father had back before he was gone too.The nights when she had felt so alone and out of place.Those gentle grazes of soft skin against her head and back had been all she needed to calm down.All she needed to fall into a sleepiness that not even the anguish inside could fight.Kara needed rest.

Lena reached out for Kara’s hand with her unoccupied fingers, holding it with as much softness as she could while still holding her hand tight enough to assure her that she was there.Kara squeezed her hand, continuing her silent sobs, but the pressure of her grip was unnaturally soft.Like Kara was intentionally being gentle with her.Careful, even.

And everything about this felt right.Supporting Kara the way Kara had supported her.It had been so long since Lena could remember having a true friend.Someone she could rely on who didn’t give a damn about her name or her family.Someone who understood her and wanted to help, to be there, through thick and thin.Best friend was a word that didn’t seem good enough for their friendship, but it was the only honest label Lena had to offer her.What Kara gave to her friends… it was an unselfish love.Lena saw the way Kara shared that love with everyone around her.She didn’t know how she had managed to be worthy of it, but she felt so lucky to have it.To have Kara in her life.She only hoped that when the storm passed and Kara settled back into herself that she would have the goodness in her heart to keep being her friend.

“Can I get you anything?” Lena asked, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

“No.”

They sat there in the pervasive darkness, the room still and unchanging, besides the occasional light of Kara’s phone in the corner of the living space.Kara’s sobs were softening and slowing, growing fewer and farther between.And then her breaths grew slow and deep, and Lena knew that could only mean one thing.

“You should get to sleep, come on.”Lena rubbed Kara’s back and tried to move her friend, but Kara would not budge.Lena even tried to get her to stand, but she couldn’t.Kara was a force to be reckoned with, unyielding and unbreakable, like steel, even when sleep was overcoming her.

When Lena leaned back, on the edge of giving up, Kara spoke.“I’m sleeping here,” she whispered, tucking herself further back into the couch.

“You’ll be happier waking up in your bed,” Lena urged.She sounded like her mother — not Lillian, but like the vague and light airiness of her birth mother… or at least how she thought she remembered it.The gentleness in her voice was just a reminder of why she was there.To comfort, above all else. To help make sure Kara would be okay in a moment when she would feel hopelessly alone.

“I can’t —” Kara let out, her pitch rising as the tears returned full force.As if the thought of facing her room alone was just as painful as what she’d already had to cope with today.

And Lena understood.Supergirl had stood by her while she watched the love of her life die.And she had been the reason.She had made the choice.And the next day, she had sat in her office, broken and expressionless, a pit of emptiness with a pool of fear.She had been so terrified of herself.And she was just _Lena_.But Kara — Kara was so much more.And she didn’t want Kara to fear herself the way she had. 

That next day, the only thing to have kept her fire going was the thought of Beth, the woman who took everything from her, rotting in jail.That vindictive hate was a powerful thing, and it was the only thing she could feel.Even that terrified her.And if Lena knew anything about how this kind of loss went… and if she knew anything about her best friend… 

She dreaded the thought of Kara thinking of her like that, but if she did, she couldn’t blame her.

She wanted to make sure Kara knew she wasn’t alone.That she would get through this.And that she would never leave her.She could promise that much — as long as Kara wanted her around, she wouldn’t go.

“Got it.” Lena said, nodding.“Let’s stay here, okay?I’ll sit with you until you want me to leave.I’ll be here as long as you need me.”

Kara was growing tired, deliriously so, and her grip on Lena’s hand was growing unbearable.Lena slipped her hand from Kara’s to stroke her hair, letting Kara calm more until the tears subsided again.

“I’ve lost him Lena.It’s my fault he’s gone.”The words were another quiet confirmation of what she already knew.She knew Kara was too hurt and too drained to keep her walls up entirely.There was only so much a woman like her could handle before she crumbled.Even if Kara’s limits were far beyond what any normal person would expect of themselves.

“Kara, you can’t blame yourself.”

“I pushed the button.I’m the reason they died.I’m the reason I had to send him away.How can I forgive myself for that?”Kara’s words left Lena feeling so twisted inside, watching her friend internalize all the pain she’d gone through and then target herself as the cause of it.She’d done nothing to cause it.And she’d done _everything_ — exhausted _every_ backup plan — to try to stop it.She couldn’t blame herself.Lena couldn’t let her slip into darkness like that.

“If you hate anyone, Kara, let it be me.I’m the one who configured the device.I’m the one who made you make that choice.And I’m the reason the Daxamites got here in the first place.Don’t blame yourself — blame me.”

“I pushed the button, Lena.I could have done something else — anything else.”She sniffles.

Kara didn’t need to explain now.They had all the time in the world for Kara to finally admit who she was.And right now… Lena couldn’t blame her for not telling her, especially when the cost of having people close to Supergirl was so high.She didn’t want Kara to worry that she’s have to lose a friend on top of all she’d already lost.

“Come here, it’s going to be okay.”Lena adjusted herself and guided Kara so she could lay down.She placed a pillow on her lap and let Kara lie with her head on the pillow.And for a while they just sat there, with Lena brushing her fingers through Kara’s hair, comforting her one of the few ways she knew how to.Doing her best to be exactly what her friend needed.Trying to be enough to help her through the first hours of loss.To help her be strong.

Soon enough, Kara’s shaking tears had vanished, to be replaced with smooth and steady breathing as sleep pulled her in its arms.Lena settled back, leaning into the cushions, her hand continuing to run over Kara’s head and shoulders until she fell asleep, too.

But just before she shut her eyes for the last time, she looked over in the corner towards Kara’s bedroom door.And there on the floor was an unmistakable object. 

A vivid blue and red suit with a cape and golden trimmings, the edge of a crest visible, despite the outfit laying crumpled on the floor.And it was just one more affirmation in a series of truths, coming together to reassure her of what she had suspected for a long while. 

Her best friend was strong.Supergirl could get through anything.She’d get through this, too.Eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is my first time writing KarLena into anything, and since I see so much of my own friendships in theirs, I wrote them like mine. Homosociality deals with intensive platonic friendships between two people of the same sex that is often misconstrued as being romantic. Intense friendships are a deep-rooted part of who I am, so if this comes off as anything else to you, you are falling for a surface-level image.
> 
> This is pretty much the only thing I've written in almost a month. But you can expect really regular updates for this because I'm trying to get it done before the s3 premiere.


	3. Shock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The sound of the monitor beeped steadily and lightly, background noise every other second, like the sound of a heartbeat. And it felt a little like that, too. Like he was sitting beside a hospital bed, worried sick that whoever was in front of him wasn’t going to make it. Just — waiting for that flatline."
> 
> \--
> 
> Winn's POV

Winn hadn’t slept since the invasion ended.Which was probably a terrible idea.Trying to operate the DEO systems on less than a full night of sleep had never done him any good, and here he was, running on almost 48 hours without sleep.He hadn’t so much as seen his apartment since the portal opened and all the Daxamites passed through.Still.He couldn’t make himself rest.Between the guilt of helping to fix Lex’s damned device and the things he had seen in the past day, sleep felt like a distant daydream… one that would become a nightmare if he attempted to seek it.

There wasn’t much to be doing now anyway.The agents who weren’t asleep or off-duty were in the field.A handful of coordinating officers had everything else under control.All Winn was doing was watching Mon-El’s pod on the main screen above him and trying to come up with busy work to keep his mind awake and occupied.

There was nothing else he _could_ do.He had tried to get a hold of Kara and see if she was okay, but she’d been unreachable for hours.And he couldn’t blame her.He would have wanted peace and quiet, too.Well, he did.He was seven hours deep in almost complete silence, with the only human sounds around him being those coming from Agent Vasquez, sitting several workstations away from him.

The sound of the monitor beeped steadily and lightly, background noise every other second, like the sound of a heartbeat.And it felt a little like that, too.Like he was sitting beside a hospital bed, worried sick that whoever was in front of him wasn’t going to make it.Just — waiting for that flatline.

Winn typed away, trying to at least do something productive in the meantime.Perhaps setting up comms with the pod?Could he do that remotely?If anyone could, it’d be him.But _if_ was the key word.Mon-El was already so far away, and the Kryptonian tech was _decades_ old.Still, maybe it was worth a shot?Or should he make that a project for tomorrow?He knew he’d work more efficiently if he slept first, but the thought of sleeping at a time like this…He couldn’t.

He tried Kara’s phone again.A few times, actually.And he was going for a fifth call when he noticed that the beeping… it just _stopped._ When had the sound stopped? 

Winn set the phone down and swiveled his chair, getting Vasquez’s attention.He felt her eyes on him for a second before she was occupied again.The light was still flashing on the screen in front of him, the pixels representing Mon-El’s precise coordinates relative to Earth’s position, but the sound was gone.And then, suddenly — so was the light.Mon-El’s pod.It was just — _gone._

“Did you see that?” he exclaimed, concern creeping up on him.“Vasquez, did you see —”

“I haven’t seen anything but this screen for a while,” she said, pointing tiredly at the computer monitor she’d been so focused on before his outburst.And even now, she wasn’t looking away, watching the blue coded screen and trying to work through an analysis of the datasets in front of her.No wonder she had been so quiet.Winn rubbed his eyes and looked back at the screen, a sinking feeling in his stomach.The pod still wasn’t registering on the monitor.

“Just look up and … tell me I’m crazy.The dot, do you see it at all?”he asked, waiting for Vasquez to give the main screen her undivided attention.

“What dot?” she asked.

“Shoot.”Those were words he _didn’t_ want to hear.He wasn’t hallucinating.It was real.The pod really wasn’t showing up.The suddenness of it all gripped him by the throat and he found himself winded and panicked.

Winn shot back in his seat, gliding quickly across the floor to a second desk and began fiddling with the keyboard.He’d been logging all the data points from Mon-El’s ship since it was activated, even beyond the point when Mon-El was fully outside of Earth’s orbit.That had been the point when he had been left almost alone in the command center, still watching the trajectory, as the other agents called it a day.Winn should have stepped away then, he knew.But instead he’d stayed focused long beyond that threshold.He had kept the data on record, just in case they needed to calibrate something or… he didn’t know.He just wanted to keep the information somewhere.He had had a bad feeling — about all of it.And now, those feelings were so vehemently assured, that he couldn’t bring himself to regret the time he’d spent or the recordings he’d made while in isolated monitoring.

He used the backup to project the monitor's recordings on a secondary screen to his right.He rewound about a minute and waited.There it was, the blinking light — Mon-El.Still there, for now.

“Okay, help me out here.”Winn said again, turning to Vasquez, who had momentarily returned to her work.“You see the dot now?”

“Yes, I see it.”Her words were punctuated with a curt nod and a look of — was that pity?The subtle downturn of the corners of her lips and the fall of her eyebrows, gave her away.She didn’t like the sight of this, any more than he did.

“And now…”He waited for the light to disappear in between flashes.Sure enough, the light flickered steadily and then just… didn’t come back.“There.”

“So the light disappeared.It’s not like —” Vasquez muttered, trying to be gentle and optimistic.And sure, they all needed a little hope right now, especially him.But this was not the right moment for it.

“It’s not _supposed_ to disappear,”Winn argued.

“Maybe the pod is out of range —”he winced.Vasquez wasn’t usually the voice of hope, keeping the other agents rooted.She was just as on edge and concerned as everyone else, stressed as hell.And if she was keeping calm, either he hadn’t processed the worst of it and she was trying to keep him from that in rapid succession… or he was already leagues into over-exaggerated emotions.He was pretty sure it was the former.He waited for the shock to settle into something worse, just in case he was right.

“No, my program is supposed to extend lightyears, okay?He should be well within range.Even if the data starts taking a little longer for the satellites to pick up on them, we should have gotten a status update on his location by now.” 

“Well, maybe there’s something wrong with your algorithm.”He was upset.Angry.Not at Vasquez, but at himself.He was supposed to be the resident genius.He was supposed to help everyone else figure it out.He was supposed to be the Man in the Van. _The one with the answers._ He was supposed to — but he didn’t.He had acted like he was expected to.With speed and problem solving, but it hadn’t made it any easier and he hadn’t been able to avoid consequences, especially not the ones he knew would be unbearable.And this one, losing sight of his friend… It was one of them.

“I went over it for ages.It should work.There’s got to be something wrong with the system —”he bargained with himself, trying to argue logic into his head and somehow convince Vasquez to understand the gravity of the situation and help him find a solution.But she had a different solution in mind.

“Stop.There’s nothing we can do about it.The pod is gone, and it’s probably so far out of range that we can’t pick up the signal.Maybe you need to call it a day.”She was right.Anyone in their right mind would agree.Hell, most of the agents had called it a day _hours_ ago, when the lead settled fully and the city was calm.The others had taken some time to rest before returning to their duties. 

They let their lives go on, just enough to function, to keep themselves afloat.He’d gone and let this consume him until his world just… stopped. 

His frustration grew into anger and he snapped.A desperate and fearful sound as his voice raised and fractured within him, spilling forward all the inner secrecies of how he was — or, rather, _wasn’t_ — keeping himself together.

“NO, it _has_ to be in range.You don’t understand, we need to —”Winn watched as Vasquez’s eyes darkened and her voice grew harsh in response to his outburst.She’d reached her limit.She couldn't hide her own reactions that long either.

“Agent Schott, we have been at it for HOURS.”Winn quieted at Vasquez’s tone.“You have had your eyes glued to your screens for far too long.You’re tired.I’m tired.And I get that you’re feeling helpless, but we all lost someone.We all lost him, too.”He voice faltered with that last utterance.Of course.Mon-El was a vital part of the team now… he had been for months.Everyone loved him, and he was always so eager to help.Everyone lost a team member in that invasion, even if they only lost Mon-El.And there were other agents lost, too.Ones he didn’t know or hadn’t worked with.Names he’s never heard.And everyone lost Mon-El, she was right.But they’d lost an agent.He’d lost a best friend. 

“You don’t get it,”Winn said, shoving away from his desk and resting his head in his hands.His skull was pounding, bursting as blood rushed behind his ears.“He was there just a second ago.How could he _be there_ and then just… _not be there_?”

“Winn, are you okay?”she asked, a new, heightened concern flooding every other line on her face.She stood up when Winn did, but her steps toward him were slow and tentative, like he was a danger… a bomb rigged to go off at any moment.

“I’m… no.I —I uhh, gotta go do something.”

Without an acknowledgement from Vasquez, he was gone.He took off toward the nearest training room.The entire DEO was deathly still.Everyone was either recuperating from the attack, doing damage control, or keeping a watchful eye over the city from elsewhere in the building.He was alone now, for the first time since it had all happened.

He took a shaky inhale once he reached the room, and then he threw his fist at the closest wall.His knuckles cried out in pain.He clutched his fist close to his face and pressed the burning skin against his mouth, urging it to soothe itself. _Stupid._ That always looked so much easier when Kara or Mon-El did it.It never hurt them.Nothing ever broke them. 

But _everything_ broke him. 

The last few months, he’d seen a lot.He’d stared a gun down.He’d had a crisis as he negotiated between himself and his mortality.He’d fallen in love… with someone who was a lot stronger than he was… again — someone who could easily tear him apart and who had managed to break his heart for a while there, too.He’d delved into fighting crime alongside Jimmy.He’d been to outer space and fought an _actual alien_.He’d even beamed himself onto a hostile spaceship and saved his best friend. 

And yet…

Sometimes, a ticking would throw him into a panic he wouldn’t recognize for hours.The slightest dangers would sometimes send him rushing to find cover.Every misstep could mean his death… and that _terrified_ him.He’d seen enough to know he wasn’t made of the same stuff his friends all were.Sure, he could get just about any tech to work for him, but that was all he felt he could do.All he could manage to do was sit behind a monitor and tell everyone else how to save the day. 

But now…Now, he couldn’t even do _that._ He felt useless.Hopeless. 

One best friend was miles and miles away, so far that Winn no longer even knew where he was or if he was even safe anymore.And the other one was heartbroken and shut off and wouldn’t answer his calls.He couldn’t help either of them when they needed him most.He had failed them.

The chill that he’d been feeling left him dark and cold.The shock wore off the more his mind began its torment.He’d lost Mon-El.It was his fault, two-fold.He’d failed him time and time again.And the words set in. 

Mon-El was gone. 

It couldn’t be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little short for my taste, but you'll be getting more of Winn's POV later. ;) 
> 
> Thank you so much for all of the positive and intelligent responses to Lena's chapter. I don't have any more of her POV planned, but I was considering tying her into the plot later so she could have a more rounded arc and contribute to some things in a way only Lena could. And now I think I'll do that. 
> 
> Up next, we will get some development for Kara and Lena and for the Danvers sisters as Kara begins to shut her emotions out.
> 
> What do you think is next for Winn? Lemme know how you feel and your thoughts.


End file.
